Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in Blackpool, Lancashire, along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

Vick...y described him clearly and in detail, 'He is 35 years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.

Pauline interrupts her protesting, 'Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.

Vicky replied, with a sigh, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?'

and todays is ...


A nursery school teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to little Sarah who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. Sarah replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Sarah replied, "They will in a minute"

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole.

They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole.

It kept falling down, etc.
...
A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily.

When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, 'Mother of Six', in spite of her objections.

One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he.

On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stinker with a dozen baby minnows.

The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, " Only caught one, eh?"

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"